Infertility Journal
Preface
The following entries were written as a retrospective piece on the journey I took with my wife through our difficulty with conception, my struggle with God, our commitment with IVF, and our eventual triumph with the birth of our twins. While I did not write about these moments as they occurred, I wholeheartedly believe these entries reflect my true feelings at the time and I hope they serve as comfort, caution, and compassion for those that might be experiencing the same thing or know someone who is.
October 30, 2010
Today is my wedding day. My wedding day. People say you’re supposed to feel nervous, the whole “cold feet” thing, but I can honestly sit here and write this and say I know with undeniable certainty that Colby is the woman I supposed to spend the rest of my life with. She is the most thoughtful, generous, hard-working person I have ever been around and while I don’t attest that it will always be easy in our marriage, I know that she is beyond worthy of any struggle we might go through. More than that, I know that she’s going to make a great a mom someday. We haven’t shared it with our parents yet, but we have already been planning to get pregnant as soon as possible. I will admit that I am a bit nervous about whether or not I’ll make a good father or whether we are ready to handle the responsibility of raising a child as a couple, but I keep telling myself that no couple is truly ready to have a child. If they waited until they were, no one would ever reproduce. Besides, I’m 29 years old. I’ve thought about having a family for a long time now. Colby has dreamt about being a mother since she was a child. I think we can do this—together. And I can’t wait to get started. It’ll be fun, right? I really do feel like the luckiest man on the planet.
November 24, 2010
It’s the day before Thanksgiving and my wife has already begun Christmas shopping. I suppose that’s something I’ll get used to as a husband, but I was always the type to do my Christmas shopping the week before. To be fair, my wife only bought one gift today, and it was for my mother. She was in Lexington visiting a friend when she decided to stop by the mall on the way home. She went inside Kentucky Korner, a souvenir shop that sells everything a University of Kentucky basketball fanatic like my mother could possibly dream of and she found and bought a UK baby blanket. When she showed it to me, I couldn’t help but think it would be the cutest blanket we could have for our newborn baby. After all, I’m a huge UK fan too. But I did wonder, why give it to my mother? She said, “I want to surprise her for Christmas. This is how we’ll tell your parents we’re pregnant! What do you think?” I told her I thought it was a wonderful idea. But what I really wanted to tell her was to hedge her excitement. There was no guarantee that we would get pregnant in our first month of trying, and I didn’t want her to get her hopes up and be utterly disappointed. But that’s not Colby. She is a silo of hope. Fully stocked and overflowing at the brim. She giggled and pulled out another bag from behind her that contained gold wrapping paper with a big white box and a red bow. “I’m going to go ahead and wrap it tonight,” she told me. “Will you get the tree up tomorrow? I want to place it under our tree.” I guess I’m getting the tree up tomorrow. Not exactly the way I wanted to spend Thanksgiving morning, but how can I say no to that enthusiasm?
November 28, 2010
Today was a tough morning. Colby woke up early and I assumed she was going to get ready for church and ask me to go with her, but when I didn’t hear the shower start right away and she didn’t come back to bed, I knew something might be wrong. Colby started her period today. This was the first time that I saw my wife cry in sadness. I had seen her cry before when we were dating, when her grandmother died, but this was different. She’s my wife now. I wasn’t sure how I could console her or make her feel any better, but I tried to remind her that it was still really early to expect to be pregnant. We shouldn’t put any pressure on ourselves because stress like that could only make it less likely that we would get pregnant. I told her that we would keep trying. And who knows? Maybe we could still get pregnant and know before Christmas and still surprise our parents. It was of little consolation, but it was enough to get her out of the bathroom. I stayed home from church and prepared lunch for Colby when she got home. I asked her if she’d like to take a hike with Toby out by the lake, but she said it was too cold. She nuzzled up with his black fur on the couch the rest of the afternoon and fell asleep. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve. Colby took the golden-wrapped box with the big red bow and the UK baby blanket inside and placed it inside one of my old dressers in the guest room. We didn’t talk about it. Maybe next year.
February 14, 2011
Valentine’s Day. Colby brought home some ovulation tests from the pharmacy. Talk about romantic. Let me pee on this stick real quick to set the mood honey. Oh, look at that. Smiley face. Looks like I’m ovulating! I have to be honest. I thought getting pregnant would be a little more fun than this.
April 9, 2011
Colby and I have only been married five months, but I’m already tired of people asking us, “When are you all going to have some kids?” Our neighbor Allison stopped us during our evening walk and asked us. When we told her that we were just going to let it happen when it happens, she said “Oh, that’s good. Give yourself some time to be a married couple first. Geez, John and I got pregnant 3 months after we were married. It happened so fast. So enjoy that first year guys. Enjoy being a couple. You’ve got time for babies.” I know she means well. But I also know that conversation hurt Colby. I must admit that I’ve been guilty of that same question to newly married couples. It’s usually asked in jest, something to make them feel awkward to see what kind of reaction they might give each other—but I’ll be careful of when I ask it to another couple from now on.
June 6, 2011
This is the first time I ever spent my birthday in another country. Mexico has been great. A long time to wait for the “official” honeymoon, but well worth it. It has been truly romantic and relaxing. This may be exactly what we needed to conceive. We have to quit worrying about it so much and just let it happen. The more we think about it, the worse it gets. At least we haven’t dwelt on it in a while.
July 4, 2011
Colby and I spent the 4th on the beach at Avon Pier in the Outer Banks. We have been camping for a week in Frisco. Our second romantic getaway in two months to try to get our mind off things and take it easy. Two vacations in the summer seems a bit extravagant, but then again, we are camping. I’m just not used to taking this many vacations. I think my parents maybe took me on less vacations my whole life than I have been on in the last year with my wife. If we ever do have kids, I wonder if we’ll still travel like this?
August 15, 2011
School is back and session and I learned this year that state employees get a discount at any state park in Kentucky, so Colby and I decided to take a weekend out to Carter Caves for a relaxing getaway. At some point, these getaways seem like more of a burden than a blessing. We keep telling ourselves that we are not going to put pressure on this, and yet, here we are. Hoping that this romantic excursion is the one that works.
October 30, 2011
One-year anniversary. Paper anniversary. I gave Colby two paper tickets to the opera at the Lexington Opera House to see Romeo and Juliet. We had a nice dinner beforehand and walked down to the theatre from there. These Occupy Wall Street protesters are ridiculous. The opera was good, although Colby didn’t know it would be in Italian, so I think she might have been a little disappointed. What happened after we got back didn’t help matters though. I fell asleep downstairs on the couch watching a football game, so Colby beat me upstairs by an hour or so. When I finally made it up, I tripped over something outside our door in the hallway. When I turned on my phone to see what it was, I noticed gold wrapping paper and a big red bow. Colby had unwrapped the UK baby blanket she had bought for my mother and left the box out in the hallway. When I opened up the door to the bedroom, there she was. Cuddled up with the blanket, smeared make-up with tear lines down her face. I didn’t want to wake her, but seeing her like that just reminded me that it’s been a year. One whole year of trying with no baby. One year of ovulation tests, vitamins, even internet-recommended positions to try to have a baby with no success. Maybe it’s time we called the doctor.
October 31, 2011
Colby told me this morning that she didn’t feel much like going to her work’s Halloween party. We would just stay home and hand out candy to the four or five neighborhood kids that we would get. When I asked about the blanket, she just shrugged it off. “I just wanted to hold it,” she said.
November 20, 2011
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and Colby invited her family over to our house. I’m not sure our house is big enough to host them all, but we will do our best. I really think she just wants to see our niece Havannah. She turned 1 last month. Colby was so worried that before Havannah was born that her sister Halley was going to name her Georgia after their grandmother. Colby has always had that name picked out for her first daughter. She told me before we ever got married. I really want to make that wish come true.
December 1, 2011
Today was Mom’s birthday. Colby got her all kinds of great things, but she really wanted to give her that god-forsaken UK blanket. Colby told me she scheduled a doctor’s appointment this month to check to see if there’s any reason why she couldn’t get pregnant. For some reason, I’m not nervous. I think she’s meant to be a mother, so I just can’t imagine that anything could be wrong with her.
January 5, 2012
Colby went back to the doctor today for her results. No lesions. No obstruction. Nothing in her blood or genetics that would hint as to why she shouldn’t be able to get pregnant. There was a long pause over the phone. So…? I guess it’s my turn. I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Greenberg for later in the month, but before he’ll see me I have to make a sperm deposit at the hospital for testing. A deposit? That’s an interesting word for it. A sperm bank? Is anybody thinking that sperm might serve as a new form of currency if the dollar starts to really lose its value? The whole idea of going into some office and masturbating into a cup is beyond bizarre. I have to know that other guys have been there before me. Will be there after me. Will I have to hand my sample over to some nurse who might be secretly judging me based on the time I spend in the room? Will they come in later to clean up after me? Do they clean up after the guys before me? Surely. Will there be stacks of magazines or DVD’s or do they leave it up to a man’s own imagination? Thinking about this makes me blush. What if I can’t simply do it? What if I try to get going, but simply can’t get aroused? It’s not like Colby can come in there with me. Can she? Do they make home deposits?
January 6, 2012
Turns out they allow for home deposits. Only have to get it back to them within 30 minutes. Good deal.
January 26, 2012
Dr. Greenberg called me today. Turns out my sperm count is “unsuitably low.” It’s not that I don’t have any swimmers, I just don’t have as much as usual. By most accounts, men will release 200 million sperm upon ejaculation. I, on the other hand, managed a measly 6 million. Now granted, it only takes 1, but I’m not playing the odds very well. More than that, it turns out that my “grade” for my sperm is not good either. They’re basically flunking the only job they’re supposed to be good at—swimming. Apparently, they’re shaped a little funny which causes them to swim around in circles basically chasing their own tails like Toby does when he gets an itch. Dr. Greenberg suggested that I come make an office visit so he can do an “ultrasound” of sorts on me. I thought those were only for women. He said it would allow for him to listen to my vas deferens and determine if there was any blockage. He also said that upon examining me up close he might be able to determine if I have had any irreversible damage to my testicles that might be causing me issues too. Wonderful. The last time a doctor groped my balls was for a basketball physical in high school. That was awkward enough. Now I’m allowing another man to do this to see if everything is as it should be. I don’t know who should feel worse. Me, for having to do this, or him, who has presumably had to do this for several men before me. Can’t be any picnic for him either. Surprisingly, that makes me feel a little better.
February 18, 2012
Colby and I went to talk with our pastor today. He was one of the first people outside of our family that we shared our struggles of fertility with. We wanted to know if there was anything we could do specifically as a couple to help cope with the pain we were feeling. He assured us that we weren’t the first couple that came to him with this problem, and he shared a passage with us from the book of Samuel about a woman named Hannah who prayed for a son. Hannah, apparently, was without children for several years and it was believed she was barren. But she prayed to God and praised his faithfulness and in time, she became pregnant with a son. Pastor Allan said that he and his family would pray for us, but he wanted us to pray too, as a couple and be open and honest with God about our relationship with Him. I know it bothers Colby that I’m still not baptized, but I’m not sure if my devotion to God is really the answer we’re looking for. When we left Pastor Allan’s office, Colby said to me, “What do you think of the name Samuel?” I told her I thought we settled on David if it was a boy, after my uncle. “Yeah,” she said. “David Samuel Thatcher.” I like it.
March 5, 2012
Dr. Greenberg sent me to a specialist in Louisville. He said the only thing he could possibly do for me would be to perform surgery in the unlikely, but possible improvement to whatever small blockage I might have preventing more sperm from coming out. The guy he sent me to was Dr. Schrepfermen (which I still can’t pronounce correctly) in Louisville. Again, before he would see me, he needed two sperm deposits. Thankfully, the deposit I gave back in January at St. Claire would count as one, so I had to drive all the way up to Louisville today to make the second one. This time I had to do my business in a patient room of some office building. As I suspected, and dreaded, a female nurse greeted me behind some window at the end of the hallway with one of those curved openings at the bottom that you might see at a gas station in a bad neighborhood. This is a sperm donation. Not armed robbery. I’m trying to relax here. Very matter of factly and with a vague nod in the direction of a doorway she told me to enter the first room on my left and make my deposit. Be sure to close and seal the lid before bringing the specimen back to her. How wonderfully formal. To my chagrin, there were, indeed, stacks of magazines and VHS cassette tapes stacked neatly under a TV tray with a very dated VCR and old box television seated on top. I was certainly not their first customer. I tried to erase that thought from my mind and wondered if anybody ever suggested that patrons just use their phone if they found it absolutely necessary for the extra motivation. Fortunately, for me, I didn’t need any. Strange as it may seem, I thought of my wife. Not in a gross way, either. It was more about how much I knew we both wanted this, and while it was a bit humiliating and I did wonder if the receptionist was silently judging me as I left the office, I knew that all that truly matters is that I was making my wife happy. Colby came with me today as moral support. Even though she waited in the car while I went in, and then made a harmless jab about how quickly I came back, I appreciated the fact that she took the day off work to be there with me. Especially on the drive back. I hadn’t said much to her after we left the office, but somewhere in between Louisville and Frankfort as I gazed out of the window at the interstate scenery whipping by, I began to uncontrollably sob. I didn’t want Colby to see, so I tried to hide my face, but she noticed almost immediately. “What’s wrong, babe?” she said. I could barely speak but I gathered myself enough to manage a faint, “It’s my fault. You can’t be a mother because of me.” She told me stop right there. That this wasn’t my problem, but our problem. That we were in this together. It’s what I wanted to hear, and needed to hear, but I couldn’t shake the idea that the reason we were in this mess was because God was punishing me for my previous sins. That He was letting me know that I wasn’t fit to be a father.
March 8, 2012
I went back to Dr. Schrepfermen today. Colby went with me again. This time, I saw him directly. He had a medical student with him who was there for observation hours or something. He asked if I minded if she stayed in the room while he asked me questions. I figured why not. Then it got weird for me. I don’t want to say his bedside manner could have used some work, but it seemed a bit lacking for my taste. He asked if I had ever been hit in the balls growing up. I told him probably a few times, but nothing that I would consider too serious. He commented, “Just a few guys dicking around, right?” I half-chuckled, half-choked on his words, not really sure how to respond to it. Then he asked me to take my pants off. Now, he isn’t the first doctor to ask this, but it certainly was the first time while my wife and another woman were in the room together. I wasn’t sure how to take this, but given the circumstances—it was a doctor’s office after all. He spent what I thought was an overtly extended amount of time down there examining and also making sure his grad-student got a good view too. He mentioned that he thought the hole for my urethra was abnormally small and that he could detect the slightest blockage in my vas deferens with his stethoscope as well. When I finally got to pull my pants up, he told me that he recommended surgery. $5,000 to open me up and create a little more space for my sperm to get through so that it might help with reproduction. They schedule me for later that month, but I had three days to call and cancel if I changed my mind.
March 9, 2012
I called Dr. Schrepfermen’s office today to cancel my surgery. Something tells me this just isn’t the way we are supposed to go.
March 25, 2012
I was back in church today. Pastor Allan gave a sermon on peaks and valleys in our lives. He spoke of the times that we need God to see us through. Normally, I sit in the back of the church silently reflecting on his words, but never really feel moved to action; today was different. There was an alter call at the end of church and I simply felt compelled to go down. I wasn’t sure what I would pray to God, or what I would even do, but I found myself kneeling down and weeping uncontrollably. People gathered around me, put hands on me, and prayed prayers of healing and comfort. The people in my church don’t know my burdens, but God does. And for the first time in my life I realized that no matter what happens in my life, I need God to be a part of it and if I was going to find true peace in my life that I would have to focus on Him. That would be more than enough to get me through this valley.
April 5, 2012
I was saved today. In the best kind of way. In the eternal happiness because I seek forgiveness kind of way. Colby had been encouraging me for weeks to see the Pastor, but something had been holding me back. I went to the church this afternoon and met with Pastor Allan in his office. I told him all about my troubles. I told him that I felt God was punishing me for my previous sins and that He didn’t want me to be a father. Pastor assured me that it didn’t work that way. Instead, he said I needed to ask for God’s forgiveness. That if I were sincere in my repentance, I would have it. I told him I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I didn’t want to be one of those Christians that says they follow Jesus but only do so when it’s convenient or when it appeals to their own personal agenda. He said it wouldn’t be easy, but the first step was to pray. To seek that forgiveness for those sins that I had carried all my life and let them go and be born anew. So we prayed. And I cried. When I shared the experience with Colby and Mom and Dad, they cried. For the first time during this entire process I feel like no matter what happens everything will be ok. Because it will be.
June 12, 2012
Today was the start of a new journey. About a week ago, Colby and I were told about a place in Cincinnati called the Institute for Reproductive Health that helped couples like us conceive children through fertility treatments like IUI and IVF. From the moment we got there, it seemed like this was the place we had been looking for. From the receptionist to the nursing staff to the physician we sat and talked with for an hour, every part and person of IRH felt like home. It was personal. Our struggle was theirs because many of them had had the same struggle. Dr. Awadalla, our physician, had counseled hundreds before us and knew exactly what we needed to hear – that no matter how long it took, and no matter what it would take, we would have a family someday. And we believed him.
July 9, 2012
Our first round of IUI was today. Basically, they took the sperm from one of my donations and through the use of a catheter inserted it into Colby’s uterus during her ovulation cycle. The basic idea of it is that because my boys can’t swim so well, this makes the trip much shorter and direct. With any luck, we could find out we’re pregnant in a couple of weeks!
July 18, 2012
No dice. Colby started her period today. We wait and try another round of IUI next month.
August 5, 2012
Second round of IUI today. Colby spent a little extra time in the office tilted back in the observation chair. She said as long as she stayed inverted, gravity should help those sperm swim down to the eggs. I can see that the process is starting to wear on her. It’s almost been two years now with no success. The office was playing music through the intercom and we could hear Jason Mraz’s song, “I Won’t Give Up” through the speakers. I held her hand and placed my forehead on hers. She cried a little. How many times have we cried in the past two years? I’m so tired of crying. I need something to be joyful about. Please, God. I pray for joyful news.
August 16, 2012
School started and so did Colby’s period. Back to the drawing board. Dr. Awadalla told us that if a third round of IUI is unsuccessful that we needed to explore other options.
September 3, 2012
Our third round of IUI was today. Colby and I don’t like to talk about it, but our credit card bill is higher than it’s ever been. Our insurance doesn’t cover any of this. While we are still hopeful about our chances, Dr. Awadalla did give us some information over IVF. There are a couple of payment options we can explore. We can pay for 3 rounds of the procedure with a money-back guarantee on the third round if all rounds are unsuccessful, or we can just pay for one round at a time in the hopes that one round would be all that it takes. With the cost of medicine, it is near to $10,000 in cost. My parents have already decided that they would pay the $8,000 for the treatment, but we would have to cover the cost of the medicine. Colby’s dad is a pharmacist, so we are hoping that he can help us find the best price. I’ve called Visa to ask for a larger credit line and was granted one. I knew that people said having children was expensive, but we don’t even have one yet and we’re already beyond broke.
September 20, 2012
After a few days of false hope, we found out Colby isn’t pregnant. IRH has asked us to come back in October to discuss the medicine she needs to take to “trick” her body into making several eggs for the IVF process. Based on the dates, we may be able to try another round of IUI again before she has to go on the medicine. A last ditch effort to try to have this baby on the cheap. Even though my parents are helping to pay for it, it’s not something I want them to have to do.
October 30, 2012
It’s our two-year anniversary today. I love my wife more than anything in this world. Even I’ll admit, it was a pretty skimpy anniversary date. B-Dubs and a movie doesn’t exactly scream romance, but when you’re short on cash, love will carry you through.
November 16, 2012
Everything that happened this morning felt like it must have been on purpose. Colby and I had her egg retrieval scheduled at 8am—sharp. The doctors made it a point to tell us that we shouldn’t be late because we didn’t want to risk any of the eggs to be bad by the time we got there. Not only that, but we asked if I could make another deposit before we left just to increase the chances that they might have more productive sperm to choose from. We stayed at Colby’s sister’s house the night before, and for the first time Colby was in the room with me during my donation. She even helped. Maybe it’ll be irrelevant, but it relaxed me having her there. It even made it seem a bit more connected than before. The idea of making a child but being in separate rooms to make that happen seems beyond ridiculous. We had 30 minutes to get there – a 15-minute drive at best. No worries. Until…there was traffic. Lots of traffic. Cincinnati, bumper-to-bumper, horns honking, people cursing, gridlock traffic. Apparently, the influx of people heading to their jobs that day all left their houses at the same time and the 5 lanes of cars was impenetrable. “Are you kidding me?” I muttered. “What are we supposed to do?” If you’ve ever driven south down Interstate 71 to 75 you know that the roads are rough, but the shoulders are wide. Just wide enough for my little Pontiac G6 to pass on. It only took one glance at Colby and she knew what I was thinking. “Go for it,” she said. I turned on my emergency blinkers and sped past the car in front of me. The vibration from the rumble strips shook the car two times over but we were moving. 15mph up to 30. Then 40. The honking from the other cars as we passed by were either in spiteful anger or fair warning, but unless an emergency vehicle was on the shoulder, this new lane belonged to me. Colby was asking me in a half-laugh, half-panicked voice, “What if a cop sees you?” I told her, “Then he’ll have to see me all the way into that parking garage at the doctor’s office because I’m not stopping until I get there. We were at mile marker 16 and our exit was 6. 10 miles. Now 9. Then 8. Traffic was still at a standstill. It was 7:48. If we had stayed and waited in traffic, there is no way we would have made it by 8. By the time we were at mile marker 10, the traffic looked like it was dispersing. I asked Colby if I should make my way back over, but at this point I think she was just going to be happy if I got us there in one piece. 5 more miles. 7:52. As long as there wasn’t another traffic jam, we would be fine. But there was. Back on the shoulder. One more mile down. Around a blind curve, and then back up on the road. A good thing too because the car-length size of the shoulder had just run out. 3 more miles. 7:55. Then two. Then one. Mile marker 6. By the time we pulled into the garage, the clock in the car read 7:58. A two-minute walk from the car to the elevator and to the receptionist’s desk and check-in was right at 8. Colby went back for the retrieval by herself while I waited out in the lobby. When the office called us later today, they told us they retrieved 14 eggs. We have 14 chances to make a healthy embryo. Thank God for shoulder lanes and tiny cars.
December 5, 2012
Transfer day. Nine embryos. We were able to create nine healthy embryos from her eggs and my sperm. 20 years ago, they used to take those nine embryos and put them all in uterus at once and you got things like Octo-Mom. Nowadays, the doctors recommend that you only transfer one embryo. But this was expensive. Sorry doc. But we’re getting two for the price of one. We were going to tell them to transfer two of those nine embryos and if we have twins then we will prepare for twins. It was a pretty surreal day. Colby and I didn’t run into any traffic on the way up, thank goodness. When we got there, they sent us both straight back to a hospital bed and had us get on some booties and hairnets for the procedure. Colby undressed and got into a gown and before we knew it we were whisked away to one of the back rooms that had one of those observation tables with an ultrasound device hooked up to it. Dr. Schreibner, one of Dr. Awadalla’s partners came in to tell us he was going to be the one to do the transfer today. That’s when we told him we were going to do two. He told us that FDA recommends only doing one at a time under these circumstances, but we told him we were prepared for two. There was a tiny door set in the middle of the wall in the back corner somewhat like a wall safe. On the other side were the doctors that kept the embryos in storage. They told us they would freeze our other seven embryos so that if in the future if we decided to ever have any more children, we could thaw them out for transfer. It is a “small” fee of nearly $600 a year to maintain the storage fee, but that’s something we will have to worry about later. They made Colby shout out her name, date of birth, and social security number before they would hand the catheter over with the two embryos. They did the insertion in just a few seconds. Afterwards, they gave us the petri dishes from which the embryos came, a microscopic picture of the embryos, and even a picture of the ultrasound that showed the faintest bubble that was left from the transfer. They told us it would take two weeks to know for sure, but that Colby would have to come back for blood work and then that would tell us if the transfer was successful or not. This will be a long two weeks.
December 19, 2012
Colby went back up to Cincinnati again today. It was almost the end of the semester for me at school and I was giving final exams so I couldn’t go with her. Instead, my mom went with her and they went shopping afterwards. Apparently, it takes a few hours to get the blood results back, but they would call Colby with the results as soon as they found out. Colby told them to leave message because she didn’t want to find out without me. Colby told me that the office called on her way back from Cincinnati. My mom noticed her phone ringing and asked if it was them. Colby said it was but wouldn’t answer no matter how badly my mother wanted her to. I rushed home that afternoon as soon as I could because Colby had been sitting on that voicemail for nearly two hours before I got home. When I got there, we both sat down on the couch and said a little prayer before opening up her phone messages. It was the same prayer we always said. “Let God’s will be done.” The voice on the other end sounded cheerful from the first syllable, and in a crescendo of excitement we could barely control our screams and tears as she told us to go out a buy some baby booties because we were finally pregnant. It was a perfect moment. One that I will remember for the rest of my life.
December 25, 2012
Christmas. Thank you Jesus. The last gift my mom opened today was a golden-wrapped box with a big red bow around it. I don’t know if I can truly explain just how much my mother supported us over the past two years, but I know when she cried over that blanket that she felt the same relief and love that we did this past month. I’ve never given anybody a Christmas gift that brought them to tears before, but then again, I’ve never been able to give something that means so much.
January 30, 2013
Colby is starting to get some regular morning sickness. But to her credit, she hasn’t complained once. She keeps telling me that after all we went through, there is no reason for her to complain. She knows we were a lucky couple. She knows that we should be grateful. And we are.
August 6, 2013
The birth of our twins. Georgia Faye Thatcher was born today at 12:31pm weighing 6lbs, 6ozs and measuring 19 inches long. David Samuel Thatcher was born one minute later at 12:32 weighing 6lbs, 5ozs and 19.5 inches long. They are my testimony to God’s goodness.
August 25, 2016
Just three years after the twins were born, we decided to transfer another embryo today.
September 2, 2016
Dad died today.
September 7, 2016
Today is the day of my dad’s funeral. I spent all night with my mother, again, but I had to go home this morning to shower and dress. When I arrived, Colby was upstairs in our bathroom waiting. “I have something to show you,” she said. She took me by the hand and led me around the doorway and pointed at the floor. Two plastic sticks with pink lines lay on the tile. We were pregnant.
September 10, 2016
Colby has had a lot of bleeding over the weekend. Much more than the spotting she experienced with the twins. We’re worried. We have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for tomorrow.
September 11, 2016
Colby’s bloodwork came back and her beta levels rose from last Thursday, but not significantly. They are telling us not to get our hopes up. We have another appointment scheduled for Wednesday with an ultrasound for Thursday.
September 14, 2016
The ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. Colby had an early miscarriage. Most likely caused by the stress and grief of my father’s death. We have no way of paying for another transfer at the moment. It took us a long time to save for this one. We are not sure what to do.
The following entries were written as a retrospective piece on the journey I took with my wife through our difficulty with conception, my struggle with God, our commitment with IVF, and our eventual triumph with the birth of our twins. While I did not write about these moments as they occurred, I wholeheartedly believe these entries reflect my true feelings at the time and I hope they serve as comfort, caution, and compassion for those that might be experiencing the same thing or know someone who is.
October 30, 2010
Today is my wedding day. My wedding day. People say you’re supposed to feel nervous, the whole “cold feet” thing, but I can honestly sit here and write this and say I know with undeniable certainty that Colby is the woman I supposed to spend the rest of my life with. She is the most thoughtful, generous, hard-working person I have ever been around and while I don’t attest that it will always be easy in our marriage, I know that she is beyond worthy of any struggle we might go through. More than that, I know that she’s going to make a great a mom someday. We haven’t shared it with our parents yet, but we have already been planning to get pregnant as soon as possible. I will admit that I am a bit nervous about whether or not I’ll make a good father or whether we are ready to handle the responsibility of raising a child as a couple, but I keep telling myself that no couple is truly ready to have a child. If they waited until they were, no one would ever reproduce. Besides, I’m 29 years old. I’ve thought about having a family for a long time now. Colby has dreamt about being a mother since she was a child. I think we can do this—together. And I can’t wait to get started. It’ll be fun, right? I really do feel like the luckiest man on the planet.
November 24, 2010
It’s the day before Thanksgiving and my wife has already begun Christmas shopping. I suppose that’s something I’ll get used to as a husband, but I was always the type to do my Christmas shopping the week before. To be fair, my wife only bought one gift today, and it was for my mother. She was in Lexington visiting a friend when she decided to stop by the mall on the way home. She went inside Kentucky Korner, a souvenir shop that sells everything a University of Kentucky basketball fanatic like my mother could possibly dream of and she found and bought a UK baby blanket. When she showed it to me, I couldn’t help but think it would be the cutest blanket we could have for our newborn baby. After all, I’m a huge UK fan too. But I did wonder, why give it to my mother? She said, “I want to surprise her for Christmas. This is how we’ll tell your parents we’re pregnant! What do you think?” I told her I thought it was a wonderful idea. But what I really wanted to tell her was to hedge her excitement. There was no guarantee that we would get pregnant in our first month of trying, and I didn’t want her to get her hopes up and be utterly disappointed. But that’s not Colby. She is a silo of hope. Fully stocked and overflowing at the brim. She giggled and pulled out another bag from behind her that contained gold wrapping paper with a big white box and a red bow. “I’m going to go ahead and wrap it tonight,” she told me. “Will you get the tree up tomorrow? I want to place it under our tree.” I guess I’m getting the tree up tomorrow. Not exactly the way I wanted to spend Thanksgiving morning, but how can I say no to that enthusiasm?
November 28, 2010
Today was a tough morning. Colby woke up early and I assumed she was going to get ready for church and ask me to go with her, but when I didn’t hear the shower start right away and she didn’t come back to bed, I knew something might be wrong. Colby started her period today. This was the first time that I saw my wife cry in sadness. I had seen her cry before when we were dating, when her grandmother died, but this was different. She’s my wife now. I wasn’t sure how I could console her or make her feel any better, but I tried to remind her that it was still really early to expect to be pregnant. We shouldn’t put any pressure on ourselves because stress like that could only make it less likely that we would get pregnant. I told her that we would keep trying. And who knows? Maybe we could still get pregnant and know before Christmas and still surprise our parents. It was of little consolation, but it was enough to get her out of the bathroom. I stayed home from church and prepared lunch for Colby when she got home. I asked her if she’d like to take a hike with Toby out by the lake, but she said it was too cold. She nuzzled up with his black fur on the couch the rest of the afternoon and fell asleep. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve. Colby took the golden-wrapped box with the big red bow and the UK baby blanket inside and placed it inside one of my old dressers in the guest room. We didn’t talk about it. Maybe next year.
February 14, 2011
Valentine’s Day. Colby brought home some ovulation tests from the pharmacy. Talk about romantic. Let me pee on this stick real quick to set the mood honey. Oh, look at that. Smiley face. Looks like I’m ovulating! I have to be honest. I thought getting pregnant would be a little more fun than this.
April 9, 2011
Colby and I have only been married five months, but I’m already tired of people asking us, “When are you all going to have some kids?” Our neighbor Allison stopped us during our evening walk and asked us. When we told her that we were just going to let it happen when it happens, she said “Oh, that’s good. Give yourself some time to be a married couple first. Geez, John and I got pregnant 3 months after we were married. It happened so fast. So enjoy that first year guys. Enjoy being a couple. You’ve got time for babies.” I know she means well. But I also know that conversation hurt Colby. I must admit that I’ve been guilty of that same question to newly married couples. It’s usually asked in jest, something to make them feel awkward to see what kind of reaction they might give each other—but I’ll be careful of when I ask it to another couple from now on.
June 6, 2011
This is the first time I ever spent my birthday in another country. Mexico has been great. A long time to wait for the “official” honeymoon, but well worth it. It has been truly romantic and relaxing. This may be exactly what we needed to conceive. We have to quit worrying about it so much and just let it happen. The more we think about it, the worse it gets. At least we haven’t dwelt on it in a while.
July 4, 2011
Colby and I spent the 4th on the beach at Avon Pier in the Outer Banks. We have been camping for a week in Frisco. Our second romantic getaway in two months to try to get our mind off things and take it easy. Two vacations in the summer seems a bit extravagant, but then again, we are camping. I’m just not used to taking this many vacations. I think my parents maybe took me on less vacations my whole life than I have been on in the last year with my wife. If we ever do have kids, I wonder if we’ll still travel like this?
August 15, 2011
School is back and session and I learned this year that state employees get a discount at any state park in Kentucky, so Colby and I decided to take a weekend out to Carter Caves for a relaxing getaway. At some point, these getaways seem like more of a burden than a blessing. We keep telling ourselves that we are not going to put pressure on this, and yet, here we are. Hoping that this romantic excursion is the one that works.
October 30, 2011
One-year anniversary. Paper anniversary. I gave Colby two paper tickets to the opera at the Lexington Opera House to see Romeo and Juliet. We had a nice dinner beforehand and walked down to the theatre from there. These Occupy Wall Street protesters are ridiculous. The opera was good, although Colby didn’t know it would be in Italian, so I think she might have been a little disappointed. What happened after we got back didn’t help matters though. I fell asleep downstairs on the couch watching a football game, so Colby beat me upstairs by an hour or so. When I finally made it up, I tripped over something outside our door in the hallway. When I turned on my phone to see what it was, I noticed gold wrapping paper and a big red bow. Colby had unwrapped the UK baby blanket she had bought for my mother and left the box out in the hallway. When I opened up the door to the bedroom, there she was. Cuddled up with the blanket, smeared make-up with tear lines down her face. I didn’t want to wake her, but seeing her like that just reminded me that it’s been a year. One whole year of trying with no baby. One year of ovulation tests, vitamins, even internet-recommended positions to try to have a baby with no success. Maybe it’s time we called the doctor.
October 31, 2011
Colby told me this morning that she didn’t feel much like going to her work’s Halloween party. We would just stay home and hand out candy to the four or five neighborhood kids that we would get. When I asked about the blanket, she just shrugged it off. “I just wanted to hold it,” she said.
November 20, 2011
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and Colby invited her family over to our house. I’m not sure our house is big enough to host them all, but we will do our best. I really think she just wants to see our niece Havannah. She turned 1 last month. Colby was so worried that before Havannah was born that her sister Halley was going to name her Georgia after their grandmother. Colby has always had that name picked out for her first daughter. She told me before we ever got married. I really want to make that wish come true.
December 1, 2011
Today was Mom’s birthday. Colby got her all kinds of great things, but she really wanted to give her that god-forsaken UK blanket. Colby told me she scheduled a doctor’s appointment this month to check to see if there’s any reason why she couldn’t get pregnant. For some reason, I’m not nervous. I think she’s meant to be a mother, so I just can’t imagine that anything could be wrong with her.
January 5, 2012
Colby went back to the doctor today for her results. No lesions. No obstruction. Nothing in her blood or genetics that would hint as to why she shouldn’t be able to get pregnant. There was a long pause over the phone. So…? I guess it’s my turn. I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Greenberg for later in the month, but before he’ll see me I have to make a sperm deposit at the hospital for testing. A deposit? That’s an interesting word for it. A sperm bank? Is anybody thinking that sperm might serve as a new form of currency if the dollar starts to really lose its value? The whole idea of going into some office and masturbating into a cup is beyond bizarre. I have to know that other guys have been there before me. Will be there after me. Will I have to hand my sample over to some nurse who might be secretly judging me based on the time I spend in the room? Will they come in later to clean up after me? Do they clean up after the guys before me? Surely. Will there be stacks of magazines or DVD’s or do they leave it up to a man’s own imagination? Thinking about this makes me blush. What if I can’t simply do it? What if I try to get going, but simply can’t get aroused? It’s not like Colby can come in there with me. Can she? Do they make home deposits?
January 6, 2012
Turns out they allow for home deposits. Only have to get it back to them within 30 minutes. Good deal.
January 26, 2012
Dr. Greenberg called me today. Turns out my sperm count is “unsuitably low.” It’s not that I don’t have any swimmers, I just don’t have as much as usual. By most accounts, men will release 200 million sperm upon ejaculation. I, on the other hand, managed a measly 6 million. Now granted, it only takes 1, but I’m not playing the odds very well. More than that, it turns out that my “grade” for my sperm is not good either. They’re basically flunking the only job they’re supposed to be good at—swimming. Apparently, they’re shaped a little funny which causes them to swim around in circles basically chasing their own tails like Toby does when he gets an itch. Dr. Greenberg suggested that I come make an office visit so he can do an “ultrasound” of sorts on me. I thought those were only for women. He said it would allow for him to listen to my vas deferens and determine if there was any blockage. He also said that upon examining me up close he might be able to determine if I have had any irreversible damage to my testicles that might be causing me issues too. Wonderful. The last time a doctor groped my balls was for a basketball physical in high school. That was awkward enough. Now I’m allowing another man to do this to see if everything is as it should be. I don’t know who should feel worse. Me, for having to do this, or him, who has presumably had to do this for several men before me. Can’t be any picnic for him either. Surprisingly, that makes me feel a little better.
February 18, 2012
Colby and I went to talk with our pastor today. He was one of the first people outside of our family that we shared our struggles of fertility with. We wanted to know if there was anything we could do specifically as a couple to help cope with the pain we were feeling. He assured us that we weren’t the first couple that came to him with this problem, and he shared a passage with us from the book of Samuel about a woman named Hannah who prayed for a son. Hannah, apparently, was without children for several years and it was believed she was barren. But she prayed to God and praised his faithfulness and in time, she became pregnant with a son. Pastor Allan said that he and his family would pray for us, but he wanted us to pray too, as a couple and be open and honest with God about our relationship with Him. I know it bothers Colby that I’m still not baptized, but I’m not sure if my devotion to God is really the answer we’re looking for. When we left Pastor Allan’s office, Colby said to me, “What do you think of the name Samuel?” I told her I thought we settled on David if it was a boy, after my uncle. “Yeah,” she said. “David Samuel Thatcher.” I like it.
March 5, 2012
Dr. Greenberg sent me to a specialist in Louisville. He said the only thing he could possibly do for me would be to perform surgery in the unlikely, but possible improvement to whatever small blockage I might have preventing more sperm from coming out. The guy he sent me to was Dr. Schrepfermen (which I still can’t pronounce correctly) in Louisville. Again, before he would see me, he needed two sperm deposits. Thankfully, the deposit I gave back in January at St. Claire would count as one, so I had to drive all the way up to Louisville today to make the second one. This time I had to do my business in a patient room of some office building. As I suspected, and dreaded, a female nurse greeted me behind some window at the end of the hallway with one of those curved openings at the bottom that you might see at a gas station in a bad neighborhood. This is a sperm donation. Not armed robbery. I’m trying to relax here. Very matter of factly and with a vague nod in the direction of a doorway she told me to enter the first room on my left and make my deposit. Be sure to close and seal the lid before bringing the specimen back to her. How wonderfully formal. To my chagrin, there were, indeed, stacks of magazines and VHS cassette tapes stacked neatly under a TV tray with a very dated VCR and old box television seated on top. I was certainly not their first customer. I tried to erase that thought from my mind and wondered if anybody ever suggested that patrons just use their phone if they found it absolutely necessary for the extra motivation. Fortunately, for me, I didn’t need any. Strange as it may seem, I thought of my wife. Not in a gross way, either. It was more about how much I knew we both wanted this, and while it was a bit humiliating and I did wonder if the receptionist was silently judging me as I left the office, I knew that all that truly matters is that I was making my wife happy. Colby came with me today as moral support. Even though she waited in the car while I went in, and then made a harmless jab about how quickly I came back, I appreciated the fact that she took the day off work to be there with me. Especially on the drive back. I hadn’t said much to her after we left the office, but somewhere in between Louisville and Frankfort as I gazed out of the window at the interstate scenery whipping by, I began to uncontrollably sob. I didn’t want Colby to see, so I tried to hide my face, but she noticed almost immediately. “What’s wrong, babe?” she said. I could barely speak but I gathered myself enough to manage a faint, “It’s my fault. You can’t be a mother because of me.” She told me stop right there. That this wasn’t my problem, but our problem. That we were in this together. It’s what I wanted to hear, and needed to hear, but I couldn’t shake the idea that the reason we were in this mess was because God was punishing me for my previous sins. That He was letting me know that I wasn’t fit to be a father.
March 8, 2012
I went back to Dr. Schrepfermen today. Colby went with me again. This time, I saw him directly. He had a medical student with him who was there for observation hours or something. He asked if I minded if she stayed in the room while he asked me questions. I figured why not. Then it got weird for me. I don’t want to say his bedside manner could have used some work, but it seemed a bit lacking for my taste. He asked if I had ever been hit in the balls growing up. I told him probably a few times, but nothing that I would consider too serious. He commented, “Just a few guys dicking around, right?” I half-chuckled, half-choked on his words, not really sure how to respond to it. Then he asked me to take my pants off. Now, he isn’t the first doctor to ask this, but it certainly was the first time while my wife and another woman were in the room together. I wasn’t sure how to take this, but given the circumstances—it was a doctor’s office after all. He spent what I thought was an overtly extended amount of time down there examining and also making sure his grad-student got a good view too. He mentioned that he thought the hole for my urethra was abnormally small and that he could detect the slightest blockage in my vas deferens with his stethoscope as well. When I finally got to pull my pants up, he told me that he recommended surgery. $5,000 to open me up and create a little more space for my sperm to get through so that it might help with reproduction. They schedule me for later that month, but I had three days to call and cancel if I changed my mind.
March 9, 2012
I called Dr. Schrepfermen’s office today to cancel my surgery. Something tells me this just isn’t the way we are supposed to go.
March 25, 2012
I was back in church today. Pastor Allan gave a sermon on peaks and valleys in our lives. He spoke of the times that we need God to see us through. Normally, I sit in the back of the church silently reflecting on his words, but never really feel moved to action; today was different. There was an alter call at the end of church and I simply felt compelled to go down. I wasn’t sure what I would pray to God, or what I would even do, but I found myself kneeling down and weeping uncontrollably. People gathered around me, put hands on me, and prayed prayers of healing and comfort. The people in my church don’t know my burdens, but God does. And for the first time in my life I realized that no matter what happens in my life, I need God to be a part of it and if I was going to find true peace in my life that I would have to focus on Him. That would be more than enough to get me through this valley.
April 5, 2012
I was saved today. In the best kind of way. In the eternal happiness because I seek forgiveness kind of way. Colby had been encouraging me for weeks to see the Pastor, but something had been holding me back. I went to the church this afternoon and met with Pastor Allan in his office. I told him all about my troubles. I told him that I felt God was punishing me for my previous sins and that He didn’t want me to be a father. Pastor assured me that it didn’t work that way. Instead, he said I needed to ask for God’s forgiveness. That if I were sincere in my repentance, I would have it. I told him I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I didn’t want to be one of those Christians that says they follow Jesus but only do so when it’s convenient or when it appeals to their own personal agenda. He said it wouldn’t be easy, but the first step was to pray. To seek that forgiveness for those sins that I had carried all my life and let them go and be born anew. So we prayed. And I cried. When I shared the experience with Colby and Mom and Dad, they cried. For the first time during this entire process I feel like no matter what happens everything will be ok. Because it will be.
June 12, 2012
Today was the start of a new journey. About a week ago, Colby and I were told about a place in Cincinnati called the Institute for Reproductive Health that helped couples like us conceive children through fertility treatments like IUI and IVF. From the moment we got there, it seemed like this was the place we had been looking for. From the receptionist to the nursing staff to the physician we sat and talked with for an hour, every part and person of IRH felt like home. It was personal. Our struggle was theirs because many of them had had the same struggle. Dr. Awadalla, our physician, had counseled hundreds before us and knew exactly what we needed to hear – that no matter how long it took, and no matter what it would take, we would have a family someday. And we believed him.
July 9, 2012
Our first round of IUI was today. Basically, they took the sperm from one of my donations and through the use of a catheter inserted it into Colby’s uterus during her ovulation cycle. The basic idea of it is that because my boys can’t swim so well, this makes the trip much shorter and direct. With any luck, we could find out we’re pregnant in a couple of weeks!
July 18, 2012
No dice. Colby started her period today. We wait and try another round of IUI next month.
August 5, 2012
Second round of IUI today. Colby spent a little extra time in the office tilted back in the observation chair. She said as long as she stayed inverted, gravity should help those sperm swim down to the eggs. I can see that the process is starting to wear on her. It’s almost been two years now with no success. The office was playing music through the intercom and we could hear Jason Mraz’s song, “I Won’t Give Up” through the speakers. I held her hand and placed my forehead on hers. She cried a little. How many times have we cried in the past two years? I’m so tired of crying. I need something to be joyful about. Please, God. I pray for joyful news.
August 16, 2012
School started and so did Colby’s period. Back to the drawing board. Dr. Awadalla told us that if a third round of IUI is unsuccessful that we needed to explore other options.
September 3, 2012
Our third round of IUI was today. Colby and I don’t like to talk about it, but our credit card bill is higher than it’s ever been. Our insurance doesn’t cover any of this. While we are still hopeful about our chances, Dr. Awadalla did give us some information over IVF. There are a couple of payment options we can explore. We can pay for 3 rounds of the procedure with a money-back guarantee on the third round if all rounds are unsuccessful, or we can just pay for one round at a time in the hopes that one round would be all that it takes. With the cost of medicine, it is near to $10,000 in cost. My parents have already decided that they would pay the $8,000 for the treatment, but we would have to cover the cost of the medicine. Colby’s dad is a pharmacist, so we are hoping that he can help us find the best price. I’ve called Visa to ask for a larger credit line and was granted one. I knew that people said having children was expensive, but we don’t even have one yet and we’re already beyond broke.
September 20, 2012
After a few days of false hope, we found out Colby isn’t pregnant. IRH has asked us to come back in October to discuss the medicine she needs to take to “trick” her body into making several eggs for the IVF process. Based on the dates, we may be able to try another round of IUI again before she has to go on the medicine. A last ditch effort to try to have this baby on the cheap. Even though my parents are helping to pay for it, it’s not something I want them to have to do.
October 30, 2012
It’s our two-year anniversary today. I love my wife more than anything in this world. Even I’ll admit, it was a pretty skimpy anniversary date. B-Dubs and a movie doesn’t exactly scream romance, but when you’re short on cash, love will carry you through.
November 16, 2012
Everything that happened this morning felt like it must have been on purpose. Colby and I had her egg retrieval scheduled at 8am—sharp. The doctors made it a point to tell us that we shouldn’t be late because we didn’t want to risk any of the eggs to be bad by the time we got there. Not only that, but we asked if I could make another deposit before we left just to increase the chances that they might have more productive sperm to choose from. We stayed at Colby’s sister’s house the night before, and for the first time Colby was in the room with me during my donation. She even helped. Maybe it’ll be irrelevant, but it relaxed me having her there. It even made it seem a bit more connected than before. The idea of making a child but being in separate rooms to make that happen seems beyond ridiculous. We had 30 minutes to get there – a 15-minute drive at best. No worries. Until…there was traffic. Lots of traffic. Cincinnati, bumper-to-bumper, horns honking, people cursing, gridlock traffic. Apparently, the influx of people heading to their jobs that day all left their houses at the same time and the 5 lanes of cars was impenetrable. “Are you kidding me?” I muttered. “What are we supposed to do?” If you’ve ever driven south down Interstate 71 to 75 you know that the roads are rough, but the shoulders are wide. Just wide enough for my little Pontiac G6 to pass on. It only took one glance at Colby and she knew what I was thinking. “Go for it,” she said. I turned on my emergency blinkers and sped past the car in front of me. The vibration from the rumble strips shook the car two times over but we were moving. 15mph up to 30. Then 40. The honking from the other cars as we passed by were either in spiteful anger or fair warning, but unless an emergency vehicle was on the shoulder, this new lane belonged to me. Colby was asking me in a half-laugh, half-panicked voice, “What if a cop sees you?” I told her, “Then he’ll have to see me all the way into that parking garage at the doctor’s office because I’m not stopping until I get there. We were at mile marker 16 and our exit was 6. 10 miles. Now 9. Then 8. Traffic was still at a standstill. It was 7:48. If we had stayed and waited in traffic, there is no way we would have made it by 8. By the time we were at mile marker 10, the traffic looked like it was dispersing. I asked Colby if I should make my way back over, but at this point I think she was just going to be happy if I got us there in one piece. 5 more miles. 7:52. As long as there wasn’t another traffic jam, we would be fine. But there was. Back on the shoulder. One more mile down. Around a blind curve, and then back up on the road. A good thing too because the car-length size of the shoulder had just run out. 3 more miles. 7:55. Then two. Then one. Mile marker 6. By the time we pulled into the garage, the clock in the car read 7:58. A two-minute walk from the car to the elevator and to the receptionist’s desk and check-in was right at 8. Colby went back for the retrieval by herself while I waited out in the lobby. When the office called us later today, they told us they retrieved 14 eggs. We have 14 chances to make a healthy embryo. Thank God for shoulder lanes and tiny cars.
December 5, 2012
Transfer day. Nine embryos. We were able to create nine healthy embryos from her eggs and my sperm. 20 years ago, they used to take those nine embryos and put them all in uterus at once and you got things like Octo-Mom. Nowadays, the doctors recommend that you only transfer one embryo. But this was expensive. Sorry doc. But we’re getting two for the price of one. We were going to tell them to transfer two of those nine embryos and if we have twins then we will prepare for twins. It was a pretty surreal day. Colby and I didn’t run into any traffic on the way up, thank goodness. When we got there, they sent us both straight back to a hospital bed and had us get on some booties and hairnets for the procedure. Colby undressed and got into a gown and before we knew it we were whisked away to one of the back rooms that had one of those observation tables with an ultrasound device hooked up to it. Dr. Schreibner, one of Dr. Awadalla’s partners came in to tell us he was going to be the one to do the transfer today. That’s when we told him we were going to do two. He told us that FDA recommends only doing one at a time under these circumstances, but we told him we were prepared for two. There was a tiny door set in the middle of the wall in the back corner somewhat like a wall safe. On the other side were the doctors that kept the embryos in storage. They told us they would freeze our other seven embryos so that if in the future if we decided to ever have any more children, we could thaw them out for transfer. It is a “small” fee of nearly $600 a year to maintain the storage fee, but that’s something we will have to worry about later. They made Colby shout out her name, date of birth, and social security number before they would hand the catheter over with the two embryos. They did the insertion in just a few seconds. Afterwards, they gave us the petri dishes from which the embryos came, a microscopic picture of the embryos, and even a picture of the ultrasound that showed the faintest bubble that was left from the transfer. They told us it would take two weeks to know for sure, but that Colby would have to come back for blood work and then that would tell us if the transfer was successful or not. This will be a long two weeks.
December 19, 2012
Colby went back up to Cincinnati again today. It was almost the end of the semester for me at school and I was giving final exams so I couldn’t go with her. Instead, my mom went with her and they went shopping afterwards. Apparently, it takes a few hours to get the blood results back, but they would call Colby with the results as soon as they found out. Colby told them to leave message because she didn’t want to find out without me. Colby told me that the office called on her way back from Cincinnati. My mom noticed her phone ringing and asked if it was them. Colby said it was but wouldn’t answer no matter how badly my mother wanted her to. I rushed home that afternoon as soon as I could because Colby had been sitting on that voicemail for nearly two hours before I got home. When I got there, we both sat down on the couch and said a little prayer before opening up her phone messages. It was the same prayer we always said. “Let God’s will be done.” The voice on the other end sounded cheerful from the first syllable, and in a crescendo of excitement we could barely control our screams and tears as she told us to go out a buy some baby booties because we were finally pregnant. It was a perfect moment. One that I will remember for the rest of my life.
December 25, 2012
Christmas. Thank you Jesus. The last gift my mom opened today was a golden-wrapped box with a big red bow around it. I don’t know if I can truly explain just how much my mother supported us over the past two years, but I know when she cried over that blanket that she felt the same relief and love that we did this past month. I’ve never given anybody a Christmas gift that brought them to tears before, but then again, I’ve never been able to give something that means so much.
January 30, 2013
Colby is starting to get some regular morning sickness. But to her credit, she hasn’t complained once. She keeps telling me that after all we went through, there is no reason for her to complain. She knows we were a lucky couple. She knows that we should be grateful. And we are.
August 6, 2013
The birth of our twins. Georgia Faye Thatcher was born today at 12:31pm weighing 6lbs, 6ozs and measuring 19 inches long. David Samuel Thatcher was born one minute later at 12:32 weighing 6lbs, 5ozs and 19.5 inches long. They are my testimony to God’s goodness.
August 25, 2016
Just three years after the twins were born, we decided to transfer another embryo today.
September 2, 2016
Dad died today.
September 7, 2016
Today is the day of my dad’s funeral. I spent all night with my mother, again, but I had to go home this morning to shower and dress. When I arrived, Colby was upstairs in our bathroom waiting. “I have something to show you,” she said. She took me by the hand and led me around the doorway and pointed at the floor. Two plastic sticks with pink lines lay on the tile. We were pregnant.
September 10, 2016
Colby has had a lot of bleeding over the weekend. Much more than the spotting she experienced with the twins. We’re worried. We have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for tomorrow.
September 11, 2016
Colby’s bloodwork came back and her beta levels rose from last Thursday, but not significantly. They are telling us not to get our hopes up. We have another appointment scheduled for Wednesday with an ultrasound for Thursday.
September 14, 2016
The ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. Colby had an early miscarriage. Most likely caused by the stress and grief of my father’s death. We have no way of paying for another transfer at the moment. It took us a long time to save for this one. We are not sure what to do.